What it Is

I have proven myself a failure at being consistent. Methinks this should be a place for me. Maybe not the collected me that makes sense. More like the me that likes to be. To wonder, to plan, to think, to understand. I want to write everyday. It is my hope that this is the blog that will facilitate that goal.

I dont make any promises. You could still call this my creative blog. But I'd like to think of it more as the debris that is left behind after all the normal thoughts blow through my consciousness.

Don't expect it to always make sense or be worth your time. I think the main goal if for it to be my sanity.

Mottled Light

Mottled Light
the way my mind feels sometimes, waiting for a breakthrough.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Entry Fourty-Five

Again with the vomiting because of Smallville.

Yes Lana, touch the Kryptonite and never be able to see Clark again! YES!

We get to see the brothers when they are young!!! I am really excited.

Hm, that makes me think of x-files. The black oily stuff that turns you bad.

Young Dean is hot and young Sam is short.

This kid is perfect. Both of them are. Aw, look at his eyes and his little boy tough guy act. Man, I live this show.

"The whistle makes me their god."

"Yeah, nice shorts."

Oh, this is so not over.

This is definitely a favorite. Easy.

I want to see Push.

This guy is still doing Chevy commercials?

What is this entry about?

He totally just wailed on him.

He should feel a little bad.

Wow, it's really funny that they are playing a really suggestive song for a kids movie.

It's over!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Entry Fourty-Four

Who else is excited that there is a new Hre-mail this week? 'Cause I am.

I bought new books. Not all of them and thats what makes me sad. I paid $116. I still have two expensive books to buy.

I love The Office.

I am also excited not to work tonight. Even though it means that I will not make the money that is very important.

I like going to FHE. I also like not working. I also like working. I also like sleeping. I like people. I like life.

Where was I going with that?

Free is better. Turbo tax.

I do not like taxes. I cannot imagine a single person who does. If they exist I'm pretty sure that they need to be found and put out of their misery because they must have a hammer sticking out of their head screwing up their neural functions.

I was just bored. That's all this post is about. I am ready to go back to class now and be bored.

Oh joy.

I might catch you later.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Entry Fourty-Three

Where am I? Why do get the feeling that I've done this before?

Oh. Because I have. How convenient.

I really should be reading Beowulf.

8:00 is really going to take some getting used to. Why does it seem so much earlier that 9:00?

Only my right eye is tired. It wants to close. My left eye disagrees. It is of the opinion that there is much still to do before we all (that is each body part) retires. I think most of my brain agrees with lefty. But the majority of my body wants to follow the example of right-eye.

I'm finding it hard having good feeling around certain people in my life. This is my most recent struggle.

Once I put forth all my effort mastering one flaw, another one pops up. Like in Edward scissor hands and the water bed. He just keeps making more holes. Oh Johnny. You are pretty amazing.

All is planned for tomorrow. I will have and apple, 1 slice of cherry bread and ham for lunch. Don't forget a water bottle. That is important. I will lose 10 pounds by the end of February.

That means no more food from work. No more random stops to Sonic. Smaller meals. Eat only when you are hungry. Drink lots of water. Exercise more. I will not do the special K thing again. That made me unhappy. And it's not a lifestyle change. I'll just gain those pounds back.

I'm glad that I've lost what I have so far. But I am mostly at a standstill.

Stop it right eye.

Time to read more Beowulf before I get too tired.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Entry Fourty-Two

I cut my finger and I don't know how. I was really upset about it when I found out at 9:00. 7 hours into my 8 hour shift.

I don't work 8 hour shifts that often. They take a lot out of me.

My back and feet hurt.

I'm pretty sleepy and I'm going to breakfast tomorrow.

The people in my Brit. Lit. class don't like to talk much. There is a lot of silence. The only reason I didn't speak up today is because I don't have the book yet. I read the text online. I didn't feel confident in my answers.

I like my Folklore class. My teacher remembers a song she used to sing in grade school...

"Joy to the world, the Teachers dead..." I can't remember the words she sang, but it's funny. I remember a similar song with different words. Many of the other students in my class also remembered my version.

"Joy to the world, the teachers dead. We BBQ'd her head. What happened to her body? We flushed it down the potty, and round and round it goes, and round and round it goes, and round and round and round it goes."

How morbid is that? How did I learn that? Wow.

I liked The Dresden Files. Why did it have to go the way of Pushing Daisies and Firefly and get canceled halfway through? Why can't they just let a show run a whole season? I really want to read the books.

Really, I need to go to bed.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Entry Fourty-One

AKA: DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY READ THIS BLOG?

I wonder...if I had kept up with Smallville, would I not want to vomit right now? Seriously, you are still after Lana? I'm only watching the last 5 minutes because I am waiting for Supernatural.

Has the acting always been this horrible? Probably. I was in love with the show when I was in high school.

Oh yeah, here we go. The good stuff. Though they aren't the best actors either. Deans okay. Sam is so-so. Ruby is particularly horrible.

Things have calmed down from yesterday.

Tomorrow will be long.

The work will never end. I can feel it.

I really hope that those people will let me babysit once a week. I could really use the extra money.

I'm not sure how I feel about Beowulf. It's interesting. I guess I would end up reading it sometime in my life. Thats why I like literature classes. It makes you read books that you keep putting off for one reason or another.

I had a dream last night that I drank scotch. I felt guilty and then tried to justify my actions buy pointing out that Kirsti drank some too. It was all to impress this guy. He was at least 10 years older than me, modestly handsome and was a single father. He had a little girl. I'm not really sure what I was doing at his house but he convinced me to try it. I think I was trying to prove that I was an adult. He also convinced my to watch a gore-filled horror movie (rated R of course). I wonder what this dream was conveying? I dont think that I do wrong things to impress others or blend in. I've never been that way.

Not true. I had my phase in Jr. High. Wow, those days make me cringe.

To keep me intersted while I do my homework, lets play the name that song game. I'll be playing by myself..........................................Which makes it less fun.

No one comments here anyway.

1. "We might as well be strangers for all I know of you now..."

2. "We sure are cute for two ugly people..."

3. "Glaciers melting in the dead of night and the superstar sucked into the supermassive..."

4. "I've stretched myself beyond my means...."

5. "..."

6. "...secretly she cried..."

7. "..." ( you should know this one.)

8. "Help me, I don't know what I'm saying. Sometimes this tongue can be betraying..."

We see the name Beowulf for the first time.

9. "He's convinced himself right in his brain that it helps to take away the pain."

10. "...there will be a show tonight on trampoline..."

The answers are as follows...(no cheating)





1. We might as well be strangers-Keane
2. Anyone Else But You-Michael Cera and Ellen Page-Juno
3. Supermassive Black Hole-Muse
4. It's been a while-Stained
5. Wheel of Fortune-Pirates of the Carribead:Dead Mans Chest
6. Sunburn-Muse
7. Barbossa is Hungry-Prates of the Carribean
8. The Curse-Audioslave
9. Uncle Jonny-The Killers
10. Being for the benefit of Mr. Kite-Eddie Izzard (Across the Universe)

Funny, if I had really been doind this I would have gotten only 6 out of 10. Thats a D people. Below average.

Goodnight.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Entry Fourty

I turn 40 today.

Having a mid-life crisis. I've just realized exactly what I've gotten myself into this semester.

It doesn't matter that two of my classes will be quite interesting.

Immense amounts of work are required if I want to get the grades I need to bring my GPA back up to a 3.0.

Too many things to do already.

I was late to work today.

Apparently all of the professors in CAFNR are missing the same part of their brains. The part that accounts for time.

I'm sick of it.

What do I do with this? This random responsibility?

How can I make the money I need to when I can't get the hours I want? It's not their fault. What can they do? I'm too non-confrontational to be more assertive.

Time to try to put my overloaded brain to sleep.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Entry Thirty-Nine

Hey, I'm almost to 40.

Perhaps I was a little too horrible to my co-worker. She does tend to hog hours.

I feel a little bit awful.

I think I should feel worse. But right now my weakness seems to be having charitable feelings towards those that annoy me.

I'm not being very Christ-like.

I did brush my teeth though. That always feels good.

I saw in my minds eye, a very different life than the one I have now. In it I am less like me and more like the person I want to be.

That brief glimpse was enough to make me want to try a little harder.

Fridays is good. And they have sweet potato fries. The best version of fries ever. They even beat Steak N Shake and Bob Evans which is saying something.

Trying to get into a routine now that the semester has started. I think structure will equal great productivity in my life.

I think it is about time I changed my profile picture on facebook.

It is also time to start settling down. To my bed I go.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Entry Thirty-Eight

Putting out a raging fire is not as easy as it seems.

Oh, wait. It doesn't seem easy at all. And it's not. There you go.

Happy Birthday Kirsti and Dad. One day late.

Who is ready for this canker sore to be gone? Ooh, ooh, me! Me! Pick me!

I really hope that this money is mine. It could be. Or they could just be pulling my chain like they always do. Stupid University.

That guy talks just like Dr. Cox from scrubs.

Who names their kid Cookie? (or) Who changes their name to Cookie?

Well, I'm tired. My brain hurts and it's not even the beginning of the semester yet.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Entry Thirty-Seven

I missed the first 10 minutes of my show because I was talking with Gloria.

It was a fun talk. We never get to just sit and talk.

But I MISSED the first 10 minutes of the new Supernatural episode.

Ever since I started my computer today it's been giving me these virus scan things. Virus Remover 2008. I dont remember uploading it or anything. It's really bothering me.

This episode is almost over and I constantly feel like I am missing something.

I can't remove this virus remover program from my computer. I would keep it but it keeps telling me that the only way to actually remove the problematic programs is to register and pay over $75. Not going to happen. SO WHY CAN"T I GET RID OF IT? Why wont it just go away.

No it was not a date. Did I have fun? Sure. The movie was great. We talked a little before and after, but then I booked it out of there. Kinda rude of me.

He just sent me a facebook message. I apologized in my reply. Wow.

I want to be done training her. I want to turn it over to someone else. I don't know what I am doing and I feel like they expect too much of me. I'm not a trainer. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Now I am going to try to watch a random movie on hulu.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Entry Thirty-Six

I just saw Slumdog Millionaire. It was FANTASTIC! Had a good time with Em.

I want the soundtrack.

I got to spend time with Noah today. A rare thing. I had him practically to myself. It was wonderful. A dream come true, literally. A few nights ago after I learned that Em and Noah were coming to CoMO I dreamed that me and Noah played together. I was really happy in the dream.

My legs hurt.

Stupid work.

Rick was over today. I got to see a more natural him, I think.

Shelly is BACK! Boy did I miss her.

Amber stopped by with Kylar. He is getting big.

I kind of want to be done training Amanda. Not that I don't like training her. I just feel pressure. If a certified trainer had been doing this she would have been done by now.

Do I get appreciated in the workplace? Occasionally a tip shows me that I did a good job. Other times a coworker will tell me thanks or help in some way. Sometimes they go the extra mile. But the managers? I suppose they are too busy to notice.

Sarah, get off your high horse. You are not the most amazing employee in the world. You do your job the way you think it needs to be done and thats all you can do. Who needs positive reinforcement? Not me.

Lies.

I do. And that is whats sad.

We all want approval. We want to be told that we are doing a good job. We seek acknowledgment. Maybe thats the problem. I need to do my job well for the people paying for service. Not for approval.

I think I've done this rant before. I need to get over it.

To be then it is.

Where the heck did my cursor go? It's making it hard to type.

Maybe thats a sign. Time to go to bed.

Goodnight.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Entry Thirty-Five

I've been slacking.

More like working and sleeping. I'm still sick.

My sickness morphed into a cold around Wednesday and got worse Thursday and Friday.

Now it's just no fun.

I love TV shows. Taking a break from Heroes and moving onto Psych!

I will also hopefully watch 24 Redemption. Need to do that. NEW SEASON ON SUNDAY!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!

The one where Tony is still alive somehow. I still think that he faked his own death. That or it's an android. Like Data.

Possibly a clone. Made by whatever terrorist group he's working for.

I'm even willing to accept re-animated corpse. Time for Jack to take on a new terrorist faction. THE LIVING DEAD!

Anyway, we'll just have to see.

I really want some sunflower seeds. I might just have to take a trip to Gerbes.

Done and done. Now, my own play by play of the episode. Or rather, my comments on the events as they occur...in real time.

So far so good. Poor Jack. Running from his demons.

Man. Jack Bauer + Sam and Dean Winchester-that would be one amazing show. So either Sam and Dean need to become kick-butt government agents or Jack Bauer needs to start hunting ghosts and demons.

Uh-oh. John Voight. That is never encouraging. Who knows? Maybe he will be amazing.

The presidents son is pretty good looking.

What is Tom still doing in the game? He needs to have the crud beat out of him.

Of course the president doesn't want to get involved in this war in Africa. Heaven forbid he get his hands dirty in the name of freedom and democracy.

Cherry, your hair is kind of floofy. Thank goodness you have a normal name in this show.

Yay! The kid is alive! But for how long? I really like this Benton. He makes me smile, which means he is probaby going to die.

"People who like to be alone are witches..." Tee-hee, Jacks a witch. He really needs to be on Supernatural now.

Aw, how sweet. I want you too stay here and look after the other boys. It's a favor. As a friend. The hug was sweet but seriously? That seemed a little too "Hook" for me. He should give the kid his knife...or tell him to also look after never bugs.

Woop, there the sad version of the 24 theme.

Well, theres are reason for Jack to stay. I saw this one coming from a mile away.

Tingles!! This is what we as 24 fans live for. Jack arming himself for battle.

What a coward that UN guy is...

Bam! Heck yes! Thats what I'm talking about. Man, when did I become so excited by violence?

Two down. Half a dozen to go. Piece of cake.

You can't touch Jack. So stop wasting your ammo.

Another one bites the dust...and crap, he has a bazooka.

Four! Okay, I'm going to stop counting now.

Knifed! Now he has a big bad gun.

Your head a splode.

Woah! And he just came out of nowhere and jumped that guy.

And...that was anti-climactic. One hit and Bauer is down. I confess myself dissapointed.

How can one man be that heartless?

Hot knife to the ear? Childs play.

Okay, that was good. Jacks phoney give in to torture? I laughed. Though his fake crying could use a little work. I guess he's a bit rusty.

Yes, I just broke your neck with my one leg. Bow to me.

I hop the UN guy dies.

Yeah. Thats a good idea. Have your friend e-mail you evidence that he helped fund terrorists. Brilliant.

Seriously, Dude. You really need to be shot.

Ooooh. Packing up his office. Maybe Tom is leaving. I sure hope so.

Don't have a drink! It's probably poisoned!

Oh, good, you're smart. It really looked like he wanted to poison you.

Mr. Drug addict, you are totally going to die.

Or get tortured. Whateves.

Man, I knew Carl was going to die. That really sucks.

Why can't he get the kids to the embassy and then come back to help Carl? (I think he said "go" like 10 times)

Jack mourns the loss of another great friend. At least he took some bad guys down with him. But of course the guy he was going for lives.

Who wants to be they don't get there in time?

Just tell someone you are Jack Bauer. It gets you in anywhere.

What a selfish jerk that man is.

"I don't have a choice..." Jacks freedom or the lives of innocent children. Of course theres no choice.

Good ending montage.

Last scene was good too with all the poor Africans left behind. And the reassuring hand of a child. But it's not going to be okay.

Silent clock tick.

I am so excited for the premire.



Why do I feel dizzy and sick? Ugh. I feel like I'm going to faint and vomit. Probably more like vomit, then faint.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Entry Thirty-Four

I'm not feeling all that creative today.

I do feel like I want to stop watching Heroes. It was such a great show! What happened?

I wish that my shows would live up to my expectations this year. Crossing my fingers for 24.

I also wish that my technology would cooperate.

Nathanial is a good name. What about spelling it like Nathanael?

Why can't I be a decent writer like I want to be?

I just need to use the talents that I have I suppose.

Slow, slow, slow, slow. Everything is slow. Everything is moving. Always. Why waste time? Because it's so easy to do.

I have a feeling that this next semester will be a tough one.

Blah.

Ew. Burps are gross. Onion. Bleh.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Entry Thirty-Three

Andray's brother died Monday. He was murdered.

I know that I already posted today.

He's just one of those guys. The kind that you think nothing will phase him. I've seen him angry, amused, annoyed, tired...I have never seen him sad.

For the first time in over 1.5 years, I saw this broken look in his eyes. He may not get along with his family all the time. But he loves them.

I can't imagine loosing a member of my family. I don't know how I would handle it. I don't want to think about it.

I know that the circumstances surrounding Ardray's brothers death were less than reputable. I think it said in the paper that drugs were involved. I'm not positive.

It's just s strange emotion when someone you know loses someone close to them. What do you say? Especially to a man who doesn't want to grieve?

Entry Thirty-Two

Thats another thing. Since when do angles not feel emotion? Since when are they heartless?

One of the angels says that she hated being an angel and wanted nothing more than to be human. I can accept that spirits want to be human. The reason we followed God, Jesus Christ and the plan of salvation was to gain a physical body and be tested. But hating heaven and being an angel? I don't buy it.

I'll get over it. The writers, director and creator of Supernatural don't have the gospel. I'm sure they have never really read the Bible.

Feeling better today. Just a bit. I think I can handle closing tonight. Thank goodness.

Man, what happened to Bon Jovi? His music used to rock. Even if he was part of the hair band era. Not so much now.

Speaking of rock...I cant beat the level 8 songs on hard setting in Guitar hero. That makes me sad.

Speaking of guitar hero...lets go play just a little bit.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Entry Thirty-One

Why do some people always get their way no matter what?

I hate feeling hungry and nothing sounds good. I suppose one of the only good things about being sick is that you lose weight.

I now have a random canker sore on the side of my tongue. Near the back.

I love Supernatural, but I'm not sure how I feel about their portrayal of angles. Beings that do Gods will. They never see him. They have little mercy. They obey and if they dont they are smitten. Shown no mercy themselves. I don't really like it. But I guess I'll just have to sit through it for the season.

"I guess I just like being a pain in the pooper..."- Dean Winchester

I am quite ready to stop being tired and ill.

I could really go for some orange juice right now.

Oh technology, why do you hate me so?

Monday, January 5, 2009

Entry Thirty

Wow. The big three zero. I'm beginning to make progress.

It took me hours but I finally found a good site that feeds my Supernatural obsession. Now I can watch all of this seasons previous episodes!

Not that anyone cares.

Still sick. I called in today. Last night was rough. My first three hours of sleep were more like three hours of half-awareness. My eyes were closed but I was never asleep. Never resting. I was cold, I was hot. It was miserable.

Now for some reason, my throat is scratchy. BLAH! This makes me think that its not one of those 24 hour bugs or something that I ate. I've hardly eaten all day.

Bus stories is almost at a page. Officially that is. I am determined. It will be finished by the end of the year.

I've been sitting in this chair for far too long.

Oof...my tailbone.

How am I going to sleep tonight?

What do I watch now?

I wonder if they missed me at work?

I wonder how many points I have?

Am I going to make it through tomorrow?

I sure hope so.

Just one day at a time.

Go see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It is fantastic.

I feel so accomplished. And a little brain dead. The creative juices are more like creative water right now. No zing.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Entry Twenty-Nine

I am wondering what to say to him. He wasted no time. How do I make it less one-on-one?

Where did this come from?

I ache.

I'm chilled.

My stomach is telling me in silence that it wants to die.

I am too tired.

How did this happen? I was fine this morning.

Who?!?! I demand to know who has plagued me. I need to exact my revenge.

I really don't want to work sick.

Ew. Spinach and artichoke burps...

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Entry Twenty-Eight

I had to voice my opinion on this.

Sleep draws near. Lets see how sort I can be.

It seems impossible that there are numberless galaxies out there and Earth is the only planet that supports life. How can anyone think that? I agree with Contact. It would be an awful waste of space. Its only logical that there are many planets out there that sustain lifeforms not unlike our own. If you are an advocate of evolution and big bang, how could there not be planets that suffered the same fate as Earth?

There are aliens out there. Not little green men. Beings that are probably similar to us. Aliens have never visited earth. There is not way that the universe was formed my crazy random happenstance (oh Dr. Horrible I love you.). There has to be a divine hand in it. Though I am not opposed to the idea that God uses scientific methods to bring about his objectives. Why cant evolution be real? Its scientifically proven that micro-evolution occurs.

Anyway, I don't want to get too deep into this right now. I think I'm just under 5 feet here on shortness. I would not want to breach a round number.

Entry Twenty-Seven

That did not work. I did try. Sort of.

I haven't been addicted to a show like this since 24. I'm allowed my obsessions.

How do you live with a life like hers? Or hers? I can't even imagine.

Why can't I be more witty? Or meet famous people. Everyone has that dream of being an actor or actress. I think that dream was short lived for me. I decided early on that the acting part was not for me. Thanks to my middle school drama teacher who dashed my dreams. I easily transitioned to wanting to be on the film crew some other way. First it was special effects (how can you watch the Star Wars movies and not want to create that kind of magic?). Then it was directing (but only for a blip). Finally screen writing.

More recently I have decided that if I were ever to work in films it would be training animals. But again, that is only a dream.

I'm sad that my friends think its silly that I want to go to Alaska and train Sled Dogs. Does that seem unrealistic? Possibly. But it would be fantastic.

So much for the brevity I try for.

Back to witty. A few times that I have said things that make people laugh. And by people I mean Erin.

"I bet if you plugged a toaster into a polar bear it'd work eventually."

This gem may have occured in a conversation about moving to a cold place with not electricity.

The second one is..."I think heaven should be one really big bathroom where were are all peeing and showering all the time."

This popped out because I was mentioning how the bathroom is a place of bliss and happiness. It's hard to be unhappy while you are showering or peeing. There are exceptions of course.

This is me making up for the days I lost.

I love rolling off of things. And being natural. That usually only happens when I am at home with my roomates. Or with my closest friends and family. Not many others get to see the real Sarah and that makes me just a little bit sad.

I really want to take a nap.

Ding!