Entry Ninety-Seven

I am determined to get to 100 entries by the end of the weekend. Or maybe just by the end of February.

I know I have been going through a posting flurry. I have been trying to feel more creative. And I JUST found a pile of more writings from my angst filled younger years. These don't have dates so I can only guess that they were written sometime between the fall of 2004 to the Early months of 2006.

Here we go.

The Grass and the Oak

The Grass. So soft, and green, and vulnerable. So gentle sometimes and yet so coarse. Not perfected.
The Oak. Tall, proud, and mighty. So wise sometimes and yet so chilled. All perfected.
The Grass lies at the feet of the Oak. Looking up it sees the enormity and yearns. so far below, the Grass seems so minute.
Each day the Grass implores understanding/ To be so small next to something so large.
"I've done so much for you," cries the Grass. "I've been soft at your feet. Yielded soil and water to you. I stand blow and receive all after you. Why do you not understand? I shout to you every day! Do you not listen?"
"My dear little grass," says the Oak. "Do you not know? I shout to you as well. Every day that you may hear. Do I not shelter you from all that would pain you? Do I not shade you from the sun? Do I not let the sweet dew from my leaves fall on your face?"
Grass and Oak. So far apart. So close in heart. To understand Love is the sweetest joy.

The truth about this one is that it doesn't seem good enough to be a professional writing but it's too thoughtful to be something of mine. The only reason I think it must be mine is because I never put underneath it who it is by. I guess sometimes I have some god ideas.

What Are Words?

What are words?
An emotionless way of describing feelings.
Anger. Fear. Love. Despair.
What are words?
A mindless scribble of symbols on paper.
W. X. Y. Z.
Who are we?
A crude people who use words and letters to tell our lives.
How do you say I'm Sorry...or...I Love You...or...
I'm going to miss you?
How can you say that and mean it?

I think it's interesting that when I wrote "say" in the last part I am pretty sure I meant "write". "Say" as in "write". I think that sometimes the lines between these two modes of communication are blurred. When you send s message to someone over the internet you didn't really "tell" them anything. You didn't "say" anything to them in the context of actually speaking. Anyway...I wonder if this was written at the end of my Senior year just before I graduated?

Cold Ice from blank light...Unseeing, unknowing, unfeeling.
Or wishing that knowledge was weak and careless.
Hoping for a future, a present brought on by a past filled with one word.
So unbecoming. A blemish to the soul. A scab upon the heart. A cloud over the mind. A bitter poison to the taste.
And to the sight it brings cold, hardened tears that bear no weight.
A wandering beast waiting. Looming above the clear skies in the darkness. To clamp it's jaws upon the peace that I may feel.

Oh past Sarah. You were so filled with darker emotions. I think I still feel them sometimes, but let go of them because harboring them for a long time creates a bile that is unpleasant. Okay, I have 4 more. And then a little list I made years ago of things that made me happy. I think I will end with that so that I can continue on with my day feeling a little uplifted. These next three have dates and names and everything!

Innocence - 11-24-2004

As sleep surrounds in a drowsy blanket, an innocent child lies in the safe soft glow. Protected by its promise of glad tidings and great joy to all people. A whisper of wishes soon to come true.
As I turn in sleep, the child within me is left behind along with the glowing lights of a tiny tree upon a desk. A memory of all the sweet and precious things that once were. Each fragile ornament a sugar coated thought of good things all around. But child-like innocence is lost so quickly in the hearts of growing youth. If only we could feel such joy and happiness always. but once, only once, can we truly say, "peace and love fill me and all is right with the world."

This was written, as you can see, a month before Christmas. Soon after my little tree was put up in my room. I remember this time. This feeling. I actually remember where I was and how I was really feeling when I wrote this.

Lost - 11-30-2004

I am a lost soul. Floating, falling into the abyss of life's madness. Not able to clasp my mind around something steady. Sanity seeps through the cracks left by the lack of logic. It falls through like water in my cupped hands. They let go and clasp in a prayer of pleading.

And I guess this was written shortly after the one before it. There was a time when I was really into the imagery and meaning behind the word "abyss". I used it a lot in those days. You will see more of it in a later post.

A Wish To Be Empty - 11-30-2004

I want to take my heart out with a paper spoon and spread it on a page of life. I want to eat my emotions with an unfeeling heart of fire. I want to exit my life with all the confidence of a newborn child. Why must my knowledge contain all that I never wanted to know? And now I am here with a soul made of fountains. Overwhelmed with the notion of life. Being filled with nothing but tears. I lie all alone with my naked heart lying vulnerable on the floor.
And I stare and see...nevermore. Reason seems to lose itself.

This one has actually always been one of my favorites. Not to brag about my own work, but I like the phrase "soul made of fountains".

We Are Somewhere

We are somewhere
Are something
Do things with
Stuff.
We want something
To know someone
Who wants to understand
Anything?
Where are we?
When are we?
What are we
Doing?
What do we want?
Do we know
To understand
Nothing?
Minds will lead
The way to know
Keeping strong
Ourselves.
And everything comes together in the end where all things matter not. Only that you know yourself and understand others.

I I THINK the idea behind this one was to combine man disjointed thoughts into lines that sort of make sense. And then at the end we finally have a couple of coherent sentences.

This last one is the list I made. I'm not exactly sure when. I guess in the fall/winter. Maybe 2004, maybe 2005.

My Cheeks warm, my hands cold
Breaths of shockingly cold winter air
The smell of Autumn
The perfect note and being able to sing it
Fuzzy stuffed animals
Making your best friend smile
No homework for a 3-day weekend
Finishing a month long project
A good cello solo in tune
Low bass notes
Hot showers on a cold morning

There we have it. A nice list. One to make me think happy thoughts. I wish I was feeling enough positive emotion to make a happy list now. Maybe next week.