Entry Ninety-Nine

Good ol' entry 99. You know, that restaurant is pretty good. Their French Onion Soup is not the worst I've had and the first time I went there I can only describe the meal I had as "MmmmmmmmMMMMMmmmmmmMMMMMMMMM!!!" The second meal I had there was a burger. And since it's hard to ruin a burger it wasn't bad. It also wasn't the BEST burger I have ever had. That wold go to either Flatbranch, Cheeseburger in Paradise, or...Steak N Shake.

Oh right. I was actually going to post something.

Let's get to that.

This is the last batch of 2004/2005 poetry/short paragraph writing. I don't have anymore with me.

That doesn't mean there won't be more old writing. I have still have some of that.

You know what I just thought? I wish I had all my old journals so that I could transcribe them onto a computer. A digital source. That way I know that if they burn up I have them somewhere. I only journal in Microsoft Word these days (though I do a lot of other personal venting/writing in notebooks).

Right. Back on track. I have another 4 entries today. Here we go.

To Die For God And Country

To die for God and country, a victim of a war that was not yours; to be killed as an innocent being who wished only to prove courage and the ability to protect; there can be no shame in such a fate. It is they who joy in bloodshed, who hunger for the roar of battle, and who seek for excuses to fight; these are they upon whom the guilt must lay. Those whose souls must be damned in the end of all things because they hear and bear the blackest shade of all. What sin is upon the head of the man who draws out a battle for not but the exhilaration of a conflict. What lies were told to the innocent which led them to believe their cause was right? For that is all there is. What is right and what is wrong? For each side the answer is different. In the end it is the victor who claims to be right. But are they not wrong for slaughter in the first place?

I suppose this is my naive outlook on war and battles. Not really sure where it came from. And I'm not really sure how I feel about it now. But there it is.

Of The Waiting Beast That Is A Research Paper - 2/25/04

A gripping fear causes a gasp to escape my lips. My heart leaps several times with the passing thought of what looms ahead. The feeling intensifies as a glimpse of the near future is granted. An overwhelming sense of urgency is added to the mix, blended with anxiety. Such a combination of emotions can be fatal to the mind, the soul, and the ability to function as a vital human being. On the verge of tears I feel my mind close to what must inevitably take place. The darkness envelops the hours, the minutes, the seconds. One by one, precious moments are devoured by the beast of passing time and I look toward the future. To this thing that must be. To the inevitable.

Judgment Day.

I can say with absolute honesty that I don't miss deadlines like that. Sure I still battle with deadlines today and there is a certain bit of research resembling a paper that I STILL haven't sent to the woman I worked with last year (eek!). But for the most part the pressure is less. Especially since there is no grade for the work that I do. Thank goodness for that.

And I want to go to Graduate School why?

A Losing Battle

Even if things were different...how would they be? Better? Worse? It varies for all.

For someone to be happy, another person has to sorrow. It is the way of the world. There must be opposition in all things. Perhaps it should be called an equilibrium. Those who see this for its truth are those who will be the best off. Seeing the world for what it is is the first step in successfully living in it.

Do I see the truth? Yes. Do I want to? Who does? When it all comes down, who truly wants to see the truth? Truth is pain. Yes. I know the truth. But I do not accept it. For me, the pain draws nearer and nearer until I suffocate with its weight pressing on my heart. In order for one to be happy, I must suffer. This I allow for my heart will stand. It has become strong. Scarred by time and time again losing the battle which it fought.

Those victories I must lose. For ones happiness another must feel pain. That is the law. That is the truth. The fate I must accept. For never will my loss be a victory. My heart is too full.

I will withstand.

Boy I am SO glad that I got over my unrequited love phase! This is a pretty pathetic bit of writing. First of all, the notion that for one to be happy, someone else must suffer is false. I am pretty sure that this was written shortly after Ben got together with Alyssa and Matt got together with Erin. I was the fated fifth wheel. It was a sad time for me. Second, I miss applied the "opposition in all things" concept. Yes it hurts when you are the one who is not chosen. But that doesn't mean you can't be happy. You don't have to suffer. Maybe feel a little sad for a bit, but then get over it. Thank goodness for growing up.

Speaking of trends, didn't I say earlier that I was really into the imagery and concept of the word "abyss". Here is more evidence of that. Also this next one is a two parter.

Abyss Part I - 9/30/04

My feet brush dust over the edge of the peak were I stand. It trickles down to the depths of my soul below. The darkness there is so thick you can taste it's fumes of agony. It is bitter and overwhelms my senses. There is no sound but the mumbles of those around me. People I cannot see. Sometimes a voice breaks through, reaching to pull me to reality. I do not come. My eyes glaze and the voice rejoins the others. A monotonous sonata to bring me home. My only wish: to step into the darkness. Let its bitterness surround me. Swallow me whole, oh soul of my pain relentless. For it draws me near. I perch balanced on the edge of control, upon the peak of my sanity. And the only thing that is keeping me from the abyss below are the fragile mumbles of those around me, straining to be heard...

Abyss Part II - 10/1/04

A voice breaks through.

Only a whisper at first. And a crack of light pierces through the darkness beneath me. Blinding at first, I'm caught off guard. The voice latches onto the light and comes out further as the darkness decreases. It brushes against me and I shudder. The voice, it speaks to me and finally I take a step back. The mumbles disappear. There is only that voice and the light the blinds below.

I figured that with all this dark writing I would end on a note of hope. It occurs to me that this last bit of writing sounds vaguely suicidal. Just a tiny bit. I never felt like killing myself. NEVER. I knew that thoughts like that were wrong. The edge and the abyss are supposed to represent the dark and depressed version of myself. During this time, I often felt like I was just moving through the motions of the day. And that there was very little keeping my from falling into complete self-serving sadness. My life wasn't really all that bad. But being that age...17...you feel all negative emotions more acutely. Anger, fear, sadness.

Since most of my writing at this time revolved around my unrequited love interest, I am pretty sure this one did too. Specifically in reference to the "voice". The one that calls me back. As much as I was grieved for the turn of events, this particular person was a friend first and always. He would call me on the phone, and though I sadly clung to those moments thinking I had hope, more than anything just being able to talk to him was enough to bring me back to sanity. There were doubts, always doubts, that we were even really friends. He spent so much time with HER. But then that call would come and we would talk an hour. Sit for a time in silence, and then pick up the conversation again.

As much as I hate to admit it (I wish the voice had been a church member, another friend, a family member) his was the voice that kept me sane...even though it was his actions that drove me to madness in the first place.

This has been a glimpse of me and my emotions when I was 16, 17, and 18. I admit that sometimes I look back at those years and laugh at myself. Then I realize that the things i felt were pretty typical of the age. And of the time. So I don't feel quite so ashamed.

Thank you for taking this slightly dark journey with me. I look forward to taking many more in the future. Hopefully less dark and more inspirational.