Entry Ninety-Four

I'm still going.

Entry Fourteen:

Regret of Love Poem - 9/20/25 (one guess as to who this was about)

I always thought you'd be the one.
O knight! O one of my desiring.
To see you so flawless, so perfect
was a foolishness I was not prepared to accept.
I wished so hard for your caring
And always hopefully daring
I threw myself at your feet.
I tried so hard to make you see
But your blindness took all the energy
Of my fancy and it was lost.
Lost in the shadow of your lack of feeling.
Lost in looking at gullible on the ceiling.
Hardening against your constant batter.
No matter.
Time has proved your flaws.
My heart has seen the way
And today, I no longer feel the need.
The need to have your affection.
You've lost me, but I know I was never
What you sought.

Reading this now, I remember how I still pined for him at least a year longer. This can also apply to a more recent crush. It's easy to lie to yourself at first. But time passes and you find that you still aren't over then.

It's not until even MORE time passes that you realize that the energy you are giving out is wasted and truly fruitless. It becomes easier once they stop giving you something to hold on to.

Entry Fifteen:

Ladies - 9/8/2005

That the lady doth think to much, I protest.
Her mind is water. Absorbs all
And makes new paths.
Exploring.
The path to curiosity.
The way to knowledge.
Without water or women
Where would the world be?
Explorers move slower by land
And without the help of a native woman
lost.
Men are lost.
Water is essential to life
as is the thought of a woman.

The line "her mind is water" can sound like a negative thing. I meant it to be positive. Like LIVING water. Moving water. Water of knowledge. This was meant to be an empowering poem for women.

Entry Sixteen:

Drumsticks

A A
tic drum
toc beat
Ry In
them my
to mind
beat does
stea con
dy stant
al dance
ways

This one does not translate as well typed out. I was wrote this for a class. We were supposed to write one of those poems that looked like they topic they were written about. The topic was supposed to represent us. So I chose drum sticks. Drumming was my life back then.

Entry Seventeen:

AIM - 9/13/2005

I wander.
Aimless. No aim. No AIM.
I am powerless. In this world of power
I lack. No brains for power. I have no
Need. No want. What do I want?
Reality. Real. Together with a face.
Feeling. To feel. I have felt and been
Left wanting more.
But in this world, it is power and
AIM.

Voices balance precariously and live.
Words screened from person to person.
Abbreviated words that hold little love.
Little life.
What has our world come to?
What is our aim?
Our AIM.
Our Weakness.

This was obviously before I because the avid internet, Skype, Facebook, Twitter user I am now. At this point Facebook was in it's early stages. I don't think Skype existed. I am almost positive that Twitter was not invented yet. AOL instant messenger was a big thing. It was how people instant chatted. AIM. I didn't have an AIM account. Part of me felt cut off from the world. Another part of me believed that this was just an emotionless form of communication. I still think it can be, though I thoroughly enjoy my Skype chats with my sisters.

The First stanza, if you read down the left side, says this: I wander. Aimless. I am powerless. I lack. Need. Reality. Feeling. Left but AIM. Okay, the last part doesn't make much sense. It was really supposed to be "no feeling left but AIM" down the side. But I didn't go with that, apparently. Oh well.

This next one is pretty depressing. I will explain why at the end.

Entry Eighteen: 9/11/2005

I know. I understand what my problem is. Why I am unhappy and channel that unhappiness to others through aggression.

I feel alone. I'm not. But I feel that am without. There is a warm circle and I am on the rim looking in. If I receive an invite, the roar of my doubt causes me to be deaf. They are gone. All those who I knew and cared for have left me behind. They are accepted. They are no longer alone.

But I am alone. I am afraid. What shall, can I do? Does anyone care? Understand? No one sees me. They catch a glimmer of me as I float around their circle. But it is fleeting because my fear and stubbornness pull me away.

No one sees. No one knows.

I feel alone.

Yeah, this one is depressing. I was full of self pity. This was, like many of these, written at the start of my first semester of college. I didn't know anyone in my classes. Most of my friends had gone elsewhere. I felt like I didn't know anyone in the University Ward. I felt very alone at this time. If I had made a little effort I would have been fine. As it was I felt constantly on the outside looking in. I will admit that I didn't make very many friends in college. I didn't have any extra curricular activities that I participated in. I didn't identify with many of the people in my classes. I am still friends with some of them on Facebook, but I only still have contact with one f them regularly.

College was NOT my strong point. I still had so much growing to do.

Not that I don't STILL have a lot of growing to do.