So, some more of the stuff I wrote 5 years ago. Don't judge, just enjoy.
Entry Four:
Lesson of Growth, 8-30-2005
Into the dark abyss they pull me.
Into the light of the dark abyss I go.
To know.
What shall we learn from the deep black pit
Into which we all descend?
A journey we must all endure. A quest.
Few emerge from the grip. Must never leave.
They see the opening but never walk out.
They don't want to.
No desire to.
But those who exit with the scars written on their eyes
Have been blinded by the light
The darkness emits.
They close them to vanish the truth etched on their
Innocence.
But in the darkness of the light, at least there is
Hope.
For only ones who inhabit it are those
Who survived the light of the darkness.
Honestly, I have no idea what was going on in my brain when I was writing this. Something selfish, no doubt. It was my first semester of college. Give me a break.
Entry Five:
I stand alone. A pillar once grand and tall, now beaten and worn. A plain standing stub of a person who has long forgotten the purpose of existence. the candle, once bright and reaching, stands extinguished and smoking sadly. The remnant of its body only a blob of lost hopes and dreams. The passers by all pass me by. Paying no heed to the pathetic stump that hinders their passage. No longer he reaching standard I once was. The goals once held by my once steady hand now lie in shambles around my feet. Shards of what good values used to permeate the world.
Wow. Another dark entry. This was one of those rough times. I had just joined the university ward and was feeling like no one really accepted me. I didn't feel welcome. So for a time I didn't go as frequently. That was a troublesome time that I eventually got over. Thank goodness.
Entry Six:
I Am... , 3-10-2006
Waylaid by the constant roadblocks shutting off every creative path my mind would take.
In a state of constant emotional distraction
In search of a purpose
In want of true love
Wishful
Frequently dissatisfied with my choices
Perpetually afraid of the smallest mistakes and blunders
Currently not paying attention to my Biology professor
Coming to grips with the fact that I am academically average
Unsure of my way
Feeling blindly for a purpose in my life
Lacking in courage
Subconsciously aware of my narrowness of mind
Struggling to untie the mass of knots that is my life
Firm in my beliefs but weakened by a certain young man who seems to have some unbreakable power over me
Still subconsciously attracted to this same young man
sorely missing my best friends
Hopelessly shy and closed in
Careless
Admittedly immature
Not who I appear to be
Weak
Paranoid
Selfish
Imperfect
A mess
Human
Myself
Able to Change
Sarah Bethany Lambson
I can't be sure but I think this one was written when I was reconsidering my major. That might have been a little later. I DO know that this was written a short time after a discussion on religion with the nameless young man mentioned in the poem. He did have this strange and horrible power over me. Oh, the years of unrequited love! But I really like that at the end I put that I am able to change. Even then I saw hope. I saw the light. I also find it interesting that I mention being in search of my "purpose" twice. I must have been really lost in the purpose department.
This particular poem has inspired me to write on similar to it about myself right now. each line is meant to go with the matching line in the poem above. Here I go.
I Am...circa 2011
Road-tripping down highways of creativity I have ignored for years
In a state of constant emotional boredom
Beginning to see my purpose
In want of a love that is real and mature
Encouraged
No longer letting my gaze linger behind me, but ahead of me
Aware of the consequences and learning from them
Owning up to the little blunders and working to avoid the big ones
Currently not doing work at the job that I work at
Understanding that being a genius isn't everything and experience is invaluable
Unsure of my way, but taking confident steps nonetheless
Removing the blindfold from my eyes
Embracing my fears
Broadening the lanes of my mind without compromising my beliefs
Working to knit new ties in my life
Firm in my belief and growing stronger every day
Learning how to let go
Sorely missing my new friends
No longer shy but still introverted
A procrastinator/time waster
Working on the whole maturity thing little by little
A whole different person once you get to know me better
Weak in some things and strong in others
Stubborn
Sometimes self indulging
Imperfect
Becoming a whole person
Human
Myself
Working to Change
Sarah Bethany Lambson
Happy day before Friday!
Mottled Light
the way my mind feels sometimes, waiting for a breakthrough.
1 comment:
Yeah, it may be hard to tell just what you're trying to say in that first poem about light and dark, but whatever you're saying, you are doing it very poetically- I just like the flow and rhythm of the words- very lyrical. I think I'll have to work to unravel it someday...
And I, too, have found that some of the stuff I wrote awhile back is darker than I remember it being. But don't worry- I don't think you're crazy or psychotic for writing it... words are a better way to heal than many other methods people try to use, so thank you for sharing.
Post a Comment