And as I have cautioned before, some of them are dark.
I Take A Pencil In My Hand - 5/28/2004 @ 1:37 pm
As the realization sinks in...She has passed and I am left behind...I take a pencil in my hand...
I let the truth that clenches my heart seep through my fingers, released in a river that murmurs dolefully across the page. I have a bright shimmering wish that swells so sweet it causes my mind to faint. It is there so soft and welcoming. The joy that keeps my sanity always on the edge. But I feel it...so softly...slip away. Like a wisp of could. It is there so close it flows over my skin. But then slowly, it passes through the tips of my fingers and vainly they close. Squeezing tight in a clasp of anguish. A fast and merciless realization begins to spread from my hands to my heart...which stops beating. Then I cannot breathe. The pain comes to my eyes creating water that once from my fingertips drips down my face. No. From my heart. My heart bleeds while my face is dry. I hold a smile for all to see and keep the pain for myself only. Because the dream is gone. Never to return.
Gone...
As I re-write this I have been trying to figure out WHEN it was written. At the beginning I say "she has passed and I am left behind." I'm pretty sure this isn't a death. I keep thinking to the time that my best friend started dating the guy I had a crush on. But the dates don't really match...I don't think. Hold on....*calculating*. Yeah, that doesn't match. So what was going on at the end of my school year in 2004? Man, I have no idea. But it apparently crushed a dream.
A Total And Complete Peace
A total and complete peace. The lapping of water against the cool, steadfast rocks bordering a green shore. A light whispering breeze kisses soft flesh in an intimacy never felt before. The feel of the soft, soothing grass on bare skin. Lying on the ground completely in touch with the soul of the earth. The sun sets. Bobbing gently on the wavy horizon casting a golden path upon the waters surface. It paints the sky all around a bright and vibrant orange which blends in blurring lines with the slowly darkening sky. The smell of rain drifts across the open grass but it hesitates to come. Bliss is too perfect for a storm. The sounds of a symphony of night creatures brings a feeling of sleep. All prepares for rest as the day comes to a close. And no other day was happiness as near as it is now, lying in the arms of mother nature and watching her paint a portrait of how life truly should be.
Once again, I really wish I knew when I wrote this and where. It is entirely possible that this was written in Rhode Island, but I think not. So where in Missouri was I by water at sunset? I don't know. All I know is that this made me ache for spring and summer.
The Flame Within
A taste of loathing coats the inner tongue as a dark cloud of menace looms over the mind. The darkening skies hold promise of a coming storm. Charged in the air is a current of cold flame that burns in the eyes and clenches its fist with an icy grip. Breath comes slow at first, filling the lungs with bitter air and the ash of hate. Each inhalation chokes and burns in the throat and eyes close to slits as if to block the initial blow of anger. Cold flame turns to hot licks of electric rage that pulse with each quickening beat of the heart. Breath comes quicker in short, sharp bursts. The flame within flares with a new heat.
I'll admit that this is not my best work. I'm not even really sure what I was getting at here. I guess anger was the key emotion. I dunno. Take it as it is, I guess.
The following is exactly what it is. A rant about my unrequited love for an individual who will remain nameless. The words are sometimes powerful. Sometimes pitiful. I do not apologize for this. Everyone has felt these emotions at one point or another.
11-28-2004
When I look at you I will say, "Your charm and good character have no power over me."
For now I only lie to myself. I lie and am false. the only good that will come of these is a lesson learned the hard way.
I keep telling myself these lies. I believe that they bring my comfort. It hurts the most when the truth blares in my eyes. It burns a hole in my heart. Too many holes do I have already. I need no more.
I will look at you and tell myself that you have no feelings for me.
For me the struggle is too painful.
Please, just make it obvious to me!! Show your true colors to the one you care for. Only then will I be positive of the truth of what you say. All I see now is a sure unsurity. You seem to know, but then come back unstable in your thoughts.
I wish I could tell you these things. But so often cowardice overcomes courage and I back away. I only watch and wait and see and feel the pain I share with no one but myself. But can't you see it? You know how I feel so why do you put me through this? I know you are not that unobservant. But you don't care. Maybe you don't care that I feel this way. Maybe this is your intention. You know I feel so you drive me away.
But why put your trust in ME? Why come to me for anything? I hear your voice on the phone and wonder. Why are you here? Why am I hearing your voice? Why do you not go to someone else?
Go. Talk to her. The one with giggles on her face. Let her know all. Then I could rest. Possibly be free from my ailments.
But then a new jealousy would enter and for one reason or another I would feel cut off. I truly wish I had the emotional stability to tell you any of this. You say emotions aren't silly. They are. Emotions and thinking too much on emotions. So we just need to do away with emotions.
Why can't we all be Vulcans?
It took all I had in me not to delete this after I had transcribed it. This is un-edited and in all it's slightly saddening teenage glory. It's good to remember who we used to be and look at who we are now. We learn and grow. That's the important thing. Remembering times of such strong emotions is important to our current growth.
This last one was written on Easter Sunday, 2004. The original format in which this was written is not kept except for at the end.
The Cross - 04/11/2004 - Age 16
A touch of cold hard light.
Blazing upon those who cannot feel.
Screaming to tell the tale.
A truth that wants save the world.
They do not hear the words.
The voice foretells of spiritual death.
The world would cut
The bonds of love that keep us whole.
To feel the burn like nothingness.
To feel the guilt.
Never to live again.
For many, pain is to indulge.
To always glut on that which is
Evil.
And never know the beauty of
Love.
A Brother who died to save us all.
Who loved so deep
that pain wracked his soul.
His pain we do not know.
All we know is to...
Betray
Him who
Loved, lived, and
died for
us that
we might
Live.
Him who
Loved, lived, and
died for
us that
we might
Live.
Tomorrow there will be more. 5 more. And then I think that is all that I have with me from years ago. There might be a few more. I do have some beginnings of stories that I started and never got very far in. But I don't know if I want to share those. We will see.
No comments:
Post a Comment