Entry FIfty-Two

The times are hard. They are busy. Breathing is barely an afterthought.

On the plus side, it is starting to feel like spring. I don't believe it has any intention of staying that way.

I like the smell. The feel. The warmth. It's cleansing. Often I smile for no good reason.

Music is where I find myself. I soothe myself. Heal. Take time to listen. To pull something deep down inside up to the surface. Belt it out. Feel no shame. In their words there is poetry, understanding. I wish I had that kind of honesty. The music will never die and in that I find a measure of comfort.

There are times where I wonder exactly how I got to where I am. Where along the way did these things become important and these things lose all meaning and significance? Where is she, or he, or them? They were there. So strong. Then lost.

Was that my doing or theirs? Most likely a combination of both. The worst part is the time we had. It meant so much. It in some ways shaped who we are today. Then it was lost. How many more will follow?

But today is not a day of sad memories. It is a day of family, of the sun calling to the inner child within us. It's a day to ignore the part of you that wants to shun the society you mingle in. Kindness is essential. Understanding.

Wishes come true this time of year, or so it seems. If I had a wish it would be that at least ONE of my wishes come true. They are ever changing and here I lay them out for all to know.

1. To find love. Not the rush of uncertainty. Love in the ones I know best. Or love in one that I could know better than the rest.

2. To find my calling. To know what He would have me do to make it better. To know if what I envision is what could be. To know that this is what he wants me to do at this point in my life...life and church.

3. To make it through. To keep up. To understand. To learn. All these directed at my schooling. I am not unintelligent. But I am not as intelligent as others. I find that a reason to excuse my lack of excellence. I just want to prove that I can do it. Make it. Lean. Understand.

4. I want to find them all again. Every one that was lost. I miss them. Deeply. Perhaps I am holding on too hard to some and not hard enough onto others.

5. Materially I want many things. But in all honesty they are things I don't need. Who needs a new iPod, phone, computer, car, place to live? I have all those things in some way or form right now. And that will do.

6. To create the best road trip playlist ever for Spring Break.

7. To get to class on time. That means I have to leave right now.