What it Is

I have proven myself a failure at being consistent. Methinks this should be a place for me. Maybe not the collected me that makes sense. More like the me that likes to be. To wonder, to plan, to think, to understand. I want to write everyday. It is my hope that this is the blog that will facilitate that goal.

I dont make any promises. You could still call this my creative blog. But I'd like to think of it more as the debris that is left behind after all the normal thoughts blow through my consciousness.

Don't expect it to always make sense or be worth your time. I think the main goal if for it to be my sanity.

Mottled Light

Mottled Light
the way my mind feels sometimes, waiting for a breakthrough.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Entry Sixteen

These days, I spend my time in Statistics and Rural & Agricultural Law writing more of this story. It passes the time quite quickly. Maybe I should spend more time paying attention. but if you were in these classes you would understand. This is the first part of the first chapter. I have a lot more of it, but I don't have time to put it all down. So it will come out in chunks. Enjoy.

It was September 26th. And on this Wednesday of Wednesdays I was just finishing up work. It was 9:00 pm. We'd had to anesthetize two dogs, a pet rabbit and a small kitten today and it had put me in a grimmer mood than usual. I hated having to be the one to tell the parents with their crying kids that they had to pay us for killing their child's best friend. Dr. Morris and Dr. Grey had already gone home, leaving the rest of clean-up to their 24-year-old intern. As was usual at closing, he finished up before I was done filing todays paperwork and preparing for tomorrow. He made his rounds stopping in the overnight holding cages to check on all the animals. He gave the operating room a once over. Then he grabbed his coat and stopped by my desk. I looked up from my paperwork and gave him my most realistic fake smile.
"Hey Chris," I said with a careful amount of politeness. Ever since Dr. Gray had made me aware of Chris's "obvious" infatuation with me I made sure that I kept my friendliness to a minimum. I didn't need him getting the wrong idea. Chris was an uncommonly kind man with an infections smile. He was very good at what he did and was even better at working with the kids who came in afraid that they would leave the vet empty handed. I was constantly impressed by his ability lighten the mood of the room. There was nothing about him that repelled me. Had things been different in my life I probably would be openly flirting with him and we might have already gone on a few casual dates. But as it was with most guys, I was the problem. I was broken and not worth bothering with. At least this was how I felt.
"Still working, huh?" he asked, giving the desk a sweep with his eyes. Judging how much more I had to do. I sighed dramatically.
"Story of my life."
He smiled kindly.
"I'm always impressed by your dedication."
I turned my lips up in a bashful half smile and went back to what I was doing. Dedication. Thats was definitely the wrong word to describe what kept me here. Working had it easier to forget my life and that nothing was waiting for me at home. The longer I was here thinking about tomorrows appointments, the less time I was at my apartment thinking about everything else. I soon realized that Chris was still standing in front of the desk. I looked up and raised my eyebrows.
"Whats up?"
He looked a little uncomfortable and slightly embarrassed. He was fiddling with his black leather gloves. All bad signs.
"Oh! Well, I was just wondering...I mean, I know that you cant have alcohol, but maybe you wanted to go to O'malleys and
get some virgin margaritas or something. Or even to Dans Diner for hot chocolate...?"
Here it was. His invitation was innocent enough. Nothing big. But my heart shriveled up in a defensive posture. Drinks could lead to dinner and then to serious dating. Seeing someone was definitely out of the question even if that some one was as nice a Chris. I opened my mouth to toss out my excuse but something stopped me. It was a tiny voice in my head that popped up every once in a while representing the part of me that used to be happy.
"Wait," is said. "He's being nice and getting out would do you some good. He's even willing to work around your...special needs."
I knew deep down that this part of me was right. But this knowledge was very deep down and I knew that the more stubborn part of me was going to win tonight. So I made my excuse.
I smiled apologetically
.
"Mmm...sorry. Tonight's not a good night. I haven't seen my mom in ages and I'm going to pay her a visit after I get out of here. I don't want to keep her up too late."
It was lame. Barely believable. But he took it, forcing a smile onto his lips.
"Oh, okay. Cool. Maybe some other time."
"Sure." A nice ambiguous answer.
"Alright...well..." he fidgeted a little more. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, see ya."
He hesitated a fraction of a second then turned and walked out the door. I waited for the sound of his car starting and for his headlight to pull away before relaxing. I passed a weary hand over my eyes. That was close.
"Yeah, you might have actually enjoyed yourself," the small voice in my head said with a bitter sarcasm. With a sigh, I went back to work, taking 15 more minutes before I was finished. After locking the door behind me, I considered what to do with the rest of my night. I could go home, straight to my empty apartment and wallow, watching bad late night T.V.
Or I could let the night take me. The air was autumn sweet and the moon was like a ripened fruit in the sky. The stars above held a secret that they winked out to the world below, beckoning you to find it. deciding their lure was too strong, I hopped in my piece of junk, brought it to a roaring ignition and peeled out of the parking lot.

2 comments:

Jeanne, the mom and grandmom said...

Is this part of Bus Stories? I am always so impressed with your writing. My goodness. Keep it coming!

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