Entry Sixteen

These days, I spend my time in Statistics and Rural & Agricultural Law writing more of this story. It passes the time quite quickly. Maybe I should spend more time paying attention. but if you were in these classes you would understand. This is the first part of the first chapter. I have a lot more of it, but I don't have time to put it all down. So it will come out in chunks. Enjoy.

It was September 26th. And on this Wednesday of Wednesdays I was just finishing up work. It was 9:00 pm. We'd had to anesthetize two dogs, a pet rabbit and a small kitten today and it had put me in a grimmer mood than usual. I hated having to be the one to tell the parents with their crying kids that they had to pay us for killing their child's best friend. Dr. Morris and Dr. Grey had already gone home, leaving the rest of clean-up to their 24-year-old intern. As was usual at closing, he finished up before I was done filing todays paperwork and preparing for tomorrow. He made his rounds stopping in the overnight holding cages to check on all the animals. He gave the operating room a once over. Then he grabbed his coat and stopped by my desk. I looked up from my paperwork and gave him my most realistic fake smile.
"Hey Chris," I said with a careful amount of politeness. Ever since Dr. Gray had made me aware of Chris's "obvious" infatuation with me I made sure that I kept my friendliness to a minimum. I didn't need him getting the wrong idea. Chris was an uncommonly kind man with an infections smile. He was very good at what he did and was even better at working with the kids who came in afraid that they would leave the vet empty handed. I was constantly impressed by his ability lighten the mood of the room. There was nothing about him that repelled me. Had things been different in my life I probably would be openly flirting with him and we might have already gone on a few casual dates. But as it was with most guys, I was the problem. I was broken and not worth bothering with. At least this was how I felt.
"Still working, huh?" he asked, giving the desk a sweep with his eyes. Judging how much more I had to do. I sighed dramatically.
"Story of my life."
He smiled kindly.
"I'm always impressed by your dedication."
I turned my lips up in a bashful half smile and went back to what I was doing. Dedication. Thats was definitely the wrong word to describe what kept me here. Working had it easier to forget my life and that nothing was waiting for me at home. The longer I was here thinking about tomorrows appointments, the less time I was at my apartment thinking about everything else. I soon realized that Chris was still standing in front of the desk. I looked up and raised my eyebrows.
"Whats up?"
He looked a little uncomfortable and slightly embarrassed. He was fiddling with his black leather gloves. All bad signs.
"Oh! Well, I was just wondering...I mean, I know that you cant have alcohol, but maybe you wanted to go to O'malleys and get some virgin margaritas or something. Or even to Dans Diner for hot chocolate...?"
Here it was. His invitation was innocent enough. Nothing big. But my heart shriveled up in a defensive posture. Drinks could lead to dinner and then to serious dating. Seeing someone was definitely out of the question even if that some one was as nice a Chris. I opened my mouth to toss out my excuse but something stopped me. It was a tiny voice in my head that popped up every once in a while representing the part of me that used to be happy.
"Wait," is said. "He's being nice and getting out would do you some good. He's even willing to work around your...special needs."
I knew deep down that this part of me was right. But this knowledge was very deep down and I knew that the more stubborn part of me was going to win tonight. So I made my excuse.
I smiled apologetically.
"Mmm...sorry. Tonight's not a good night. I haven't seen my mom in ages and I'm going to pay her a visit after I get out of here. I don't want to keep her up too late."
It was lame. Barely believable. But he took it, forcing a smile onto his lips.
"Oh, okay. Cool. Maybe some other time."
"Sure." A nice ambiguous answer.
"Alright...well..." he fidgeted a little more. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, see ya."
He hesitated a fraction of a second then turned and walked out the door. I waited for the sound of his car starting and for his headlight to pull away before relaxing. I passed a weary hand over my eyes. That was close.
"Yeah, you might have actually enjoyed yourself," the small voice in my head said with a bitter sarcasm. With a sigh, I went back to work, taking 15 more minutes before I was finished. After locking the door behind me, I considered what to do with the rest of my night. I could go home, straight to my empty apartment and wallow, watching bad late night T.V.
Or I could let the night take me. The air was autumn sweet and the moon was like a ripened fruit in the sky. The stars above held a secret that they winked out to the world below, beckoning you to find it. deciding their lure was too strong, I hopped in my piece of junk, brought it to a roaring ignition and peeled out of the parking lot.

Entry Fifteen

The first installment of "Bus Stories". I haven;t decided if I want to change the title. I think it works and it pretty straightforward. This is just the basic intro to the story. Not much to go by yet.

“There’s a time in your life where you teeter on the brink of finding yourself. A fragile period where the only way you will get out alive is by the tether you hold to your friends. It is this tether that will direct your feet down the path that you will follow in life. These are the years that are engraved in our minds as the clearest pictures of life. The veil between innocence and the decisions we must all one day make is nothing but a gossamer film covering our eyes. The years we spent here are the most influential years of our ever moving lives. Cherish what you have learned here and never forget.”

I remember listening to the words of our valedictorian from my bedroom television. Watching as the cameras zoomed in on her face dramatically. My college graduation was broadcast on public television for the benefit of those who didn’t want to sit through an hour and ½ of people walking on stage to accept the piece of paper that acknowledge that we served our 4 year sentence. I spent graduation day sitting in my room brooding on the way things had turned out and glad that I wasn’t wasting my time with the ceremony. I had scoffed at the speech the valedictorian dished out to waiting ears of naivety. It wasn’t until several months later that I realized that her words held some truth. Just not in the way she meant or the way that I expected.

In the months following gradation I found in myself a new form of slothfulness. I went to my job. I ate on cue, I never slept in, and I even tried applying for a more permanent career. I kept busy. I was doing what every college graduate was doing that summer. Living life and trying to figure out what to do now. But for me the slothfulness was inside. My soul was dead along with its counterpart, my heart. Summer went by and was followed by fall as always. I became a secretary for a veterinary office. I did my job well and without enthusiasm. I bought an old used car to get around in. I had a small apartment. I was living, but that was it. I wasn’t experiencing or feeling because the end of my senior year of college I learned that if you have feelings there just going to get hurt. They tell you that rules are made to be broken. The same applies to hearts. Souls are made to be trodden and, squashed down. And love is nothing but the fuel for the pain that we will all feel someday. This was my grim outlook on life for the next 4.5 months accompanied by a sense of hopelessness in my fate. It wasn’t until that October, when I got away from myself and everyone else that I realized the truth of the words spoken at graduation. In those weeks I found that life could hold a sweetness that most have by now forgotten and a bitterness that I would never forget.

Entry Fourteen

I have recently been toying with a story idea. It really has nothing more than a title and a general plot idea. I don't really have any characters even. Well half of one. I know I am still in the middle of trying to figure out how to salvage "Spero" but the reality of this story is just too enticing.

The title is "Bus Stories". I know that sounds rather boring. Basically, it's about this old man who drives this school bus around the country picking up people of the road. Anyone who wants or needs a ride can get one free of charge. Relatively. They have to provide the old man with the story of their life...or rather how they got where they are now. It centers around several main characters that are on the bus for most of the story. And many other passing characters are introduced and then dismissed.

I just really like the idea of people and their connections right now. A this blog is a creative outlet for my benefit, I feel no pressure to make anything come out of this other than a few entries. It could go the way of that little story I started about a girl caught in the future (caput from lack of original thought and enthusiasm and time). Who knows. It doesn't much matter.

I wish I had more time to work out the complexities of "Spero" and the mess my mind made of it. My hope is that I can get my creative juices flowing with this story idea since the thought is a lot less complex. Then maybe my block on "Spero" will end.

Hmmm...Thank goodness I am not planning on making writing my profession. I would never finish anything.

Entry Thirteen (DREAM)

Heres a dream that I had last night. One of those real ones where you have to tell yourself that you are asleep and need to WAKE UP! I have to tell you that the weirdest people pop up in my dreams.

Another work dream. We all know that means it was more like a nightmare. It was an extension of my actual shift last night. It was just me and Crystal (the not so new anymore newbie that stole my Saturday close shift). We were five minutes from closing and the store was empty. Just then I notice that there is a five top at table 10. They just appeared out of nowhere as if from some weird customer spitting vortex. It was strangely close to the five top I'd had for real that night. I was reasonably upset because it was almost close and I had to deal with these people. I get their drink orders when another table, this one a seven top, appears out of the invisible vortex. The annoying thing about this table is that it's a co-worker and her family. I try to pawn it off to Crystal but she is completly unhelpful, complaining about still having to do her outs (this is almost exactly what she said that night for real). so I go to Bill and ask him to take the table because I am way to upset to deal with them. A Bob Evans server should know better than to come in 5 min. before close with her family. Soon after this exchange, I look around the floor and see half a dozen table sitting there. Seriously, someone needs to make some sort of blood sacrifice and seal this vortex/portal thing that keeps randomly letting customers in.

The weird thing is that this whole time, it stays 9:55 so that it's still okay for customers to come in because were not closed yet. Now it's become one of those very stressful dreams where I don't know what to do because there is just too much. I stop by a table and notice that Jimmy Larsen from church is there. I am just about to get annoyed at him (because apparently he works there) when I notice who is in his company. It's Lance from my 5th grade class. One of my first ever crushes. I was Earth and he was the moon in our "save the environment" skit we did in class. He once gave me a valentine and I cherished it forever. I think I may still have it. Anyway, shortly after encountering him, I tell myself finally that this is an impossible dream and I need to WAKE UP! This usually happens when things get too stressful in these dreams. I am somehow able to remember that I am at home, work is over and it's all okay.

Man, I hate dreams like that.

Entry Twelve

I got sort of bored in my STAT class. So this is what I did. A little creative writing for each of the classes I had that day. Not that good, I know. But sometimes you just gotta write to get better.

STAT
(for natural resource majors)
Sticky monotony. Sucking at our shoes as we trudge along this path. It is requirement. It is death. Of the mind. To the mind. To the parts which breathe. Stifling. A feather pillow in the form of tedious knowledge. Press down hard and smell the numbers. They are stale and we choke them down. Copy words like good little children. Lines and lines of what we know. Whats been force fed to us since our minds were new.

LAW
(rural and agricultural)
See the train. See it go. Go train go! Watch it speed on. This way and that. Derail train. Derail if you must. Go every which way so that time goes by in tedious nothingness. We will try to follow.
See Dr. Matthews. See him go. Go good Dr. go! Speed Speed on. This way and that. Dr. Matthews the train. Knows not where he goes. Though his derails are laughable, time goes on and learning is limited.

Genetics
(introduction to and evolution in conservation)
"Yellow-breasted rump-footed ferret" discovered!
A new breed of rodentia in the ferret family has been found, though "invented" may prove to be a better word for the matter. January 30th, 2008 Dr. (name omitted to save the man any humiliation) was teaching his IGEC (Intro. to Genetics and Evolution in Conservation) class at UMC when, as is his nature, he spouted out the species common name "Yellow-breasted rump-footed ferret". At first, all the students laughed at the absurd name. This kind of silly behavior was common in the classroom. Further investigation reveals that this "nutty professor" accidentally divulged the name of a new species that has yet to be released to the public. Dr. *********** is a member of a small group of scientists who claim that they discovered this new species. Specialists in the ferret family are unsure about the validity of the claim. They say the so called "yellow-breasted rump-footed ferret" closely resembles the common white ferret with yellow spray paint down it's front. No comment has been made by Dr. ********** or his colleagues about this claim and further investigation is needed before this animal is released to the public as a new species.
-Sarah Lambson
writer for peepholeintochaos.blogspot.com