Entry Eighty-Six

I have tried so hard to get this entry out. I tried "I Want", I tried "What If", and I tried feelings.

And every time I get anything down, all I can think is, "sometimes people read this. They don't really want to hear all my brooding thoughts.

Then I think, "Why should I care? This blog is for me."

"So then why make it public? Why does it even exist when you can do the exact same thing in a Word document?"

"Validation of 'Self'' of course."

And around and around I go. You see, I have had this argument with myself many times. And every time I do I think about deleting a blog. But I can never go through with it because I know I would regret it.

And so this is all there is for tonight. This entry has no purpose. I just felt I needed to put something. And stay up and waste time. What else am I doing with my life right now?

Why? Deja Vu, elbow, people swearing, giving in, what is the lesson I should learn tonight? Is there more than one? Which one it the most important? Why are there so many? What is wrong with me?

Live in the moment with the past and future in mind. You can't ignore those things that already happened nor the effect you present actions have on the future.

And yet, still, I fail sometimes.

Heh, now I don't want to hit publish because I know how depressed this entry sounds. It's just missing New Hampshire and being with 33 other people and feeling a little alone even though I am around people who are happy to have me back.

Don't mind me, please.