Entry Seventy-Four

There are things that you just have to learn to let go.

There will be no petty revenge on your end. No feelings of regret on his. All there will be is a mutual feeling of familiarity.

I know you, you know me. We knew each other once. And that was all. Nothing more to it.

It would do well for some people to realize just how much they still have to learn. I should remember that 22 year in the world makes me no kind of expert.

This is why I am here. Most of it is to work, to gain experience, to become a stronger and better person.

The rest of it is to get away. Not from family, not from home, but from an individual who, for some reason, plagues my thoughts even now.

A sad pathetic waste of time. Thoughts would do better if they were enriched. We each, all of us here that is, have a bridges we intended to cross in coming out here. My bridge is there waiting, inviting, because the road beyond has so many more options. And once I am over I can set fire to it's planks and support beams. As it is, I stand somewhere in the middle. I waste my time looking over into the water below. It rages. The water is my mind. And thoughts churn the foolish fancies that glisten. The fancies are fish. Maybe a tadpole. A crawdad or two. And these thoughts and fancies keep me distracted enough to prevent me crossing this bridge.

We all move on in this world seeking to find that connection which we lost after we went through the veil. We were so close to each other then suddenly we were ripped apart. There exist in my circle of acquaintances no one who I could see as that one person who will understand me in a way no one else can.

I wish that weren't true.

My heart, so eager to find that connection, gives itself wholly to any one that may make a fit. And then is left to wallow in self-pity and disappointment.

I need to stop.

Entry Seventy-Three

I wish I could say that my mood has much improved.

I am comfortable and warm.

I am surrounded by the warm glow of technology.

Beautiful music swells and falls.

Very soon all of this will be taken away from me.

I will be cold and uncomfortable. I will be in alien territory. There will potentially be no technology and no beautiful music. I will know no one.

This is what I go to.

I think the fear is gone because I have resigned myself to it. The uncertainty is still there. The knots are managing to stay away for the time being. I know that it will be great. It will all be okay and work out fine. I just need to get past that initial awkward stage.

And so I go into the unknown. Into a strange world called adulthood. I think I have been avoiding it all these years. But here, I have to grow up. I can't be the timid child I have been all my life.